


Ache

by taniaterror



Series: Welcome Home Series [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Gay Raphael Santiago, M/M, aroace raphael, latinx simon, touch averse raphael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 01:50:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10754241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taniaterror/pseuds/taniaterror
Summary: After Simon was all tucked in, Raphael lied down beside him. He turned on his side, supporting himself on his elbow, gazing at Simon's sleeping form. Raphael frowned deeply, but it was more at himself than at Simon. And more so, still, at the rare feeling forming somewhere inside himself.





	Ache

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a version of my other fic Welcome Home and is through Raphael's pov. This mostly deals with Raphael being aroace. You don't have to read my other fic to follow along with this one, but if you'd like to read it, I'll link it [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8546719). :)  
> I'm not ace, but I am arospec, so I've drawn on my own aromantic experiences (and what I've read up on asexuality over the years) as inspiration for this fic.

As soon as the door shut, Raphael's eyes snapped open. But upon realizing who was in his room, he quickly closed them and waited, listening. Raphael's senses were expertly trained, so he picked up the footsteps in his room, no matter how light they were. And he picked up on the shuddered breath Simon inhaled, realizing it sounded a lot like when someone had been crying. He felt Simon stop a few feet away from him, felt Simon's eyes watching him briefly.

At the faint sounds of Simon settling himself down on the floor, Raphael opened his eyes again. He quirked an eyebrow at nothing in particular in his dark room. Was Simon- Did he really just sneak into Raphael's room to sleep on his floor? Raphael remained in his bed for a few moments, confused on what to do. Ultimately, he thought Simon's actions childish and decided to wake him up to take him back to his own room. When he leaned over his bed, though, and saw how peaceful Simon looked, despite the smeared blood around his eyes, Raphael couldn't bring himself to do it. Raphael mentally kicked himself. This was just one more thing to add to the growing list of what he allowed Simon to get away with.

Raphael repositioned himself in his bed to try to go back to sleep. That wasn't really working out, though, because all he could think of was how uncomfortable that floor must feel like. He rolled his eyes at himself, annoyed at how much trouble this fledgling was, and got up from his bed. He pulled the covers back and walked over to Simon to lay him down on the bed. Simon hadn't made any movements to indicate he knew what was going on or that he would wake up. Figures, Raphael thought. Simon still wasn't practicing on improving his enhanced senses.

After Simon was all tucked in, Raphael lied down beside him. He turned on his side, supporting himself on his elbow, gazing at Simon's sleeping form. Raphael frowned deeply, but it was more at himself than at Simon. And more so, still, at the rare feeling forming somewhere inside himself.

Raphael turned over, his back to Simon now, and willed himself to sleep.

* * *

The duties as Vampire Leader always had Raphael up before anyone else in the hotel. He didn't mind it. The role of leader fit Raphael very well. It wasn't often that he was confronted with a problem he couldn't solve. That was, of course, until he met Simon.

When Raphael woke up, he stiffened briefly, forgetting who was in his bed and why. Remembering the past day's events, he rolled over and stared at Simon, eyeing him curiously. He was getting some sort of feeling again. He couldn't really determine if it was good, or bad - or both. It was confusing, that much he could figure out. And the longer Raphael stared at Simon, the more the feeling grew. There was something - something inside him, Raphael thought offhandedly that maybe he was possessed - that made him want to run his hand through Simon's messy, brown curls.

Raphael gasped and threw the covers off himself as he sat up - his realization hitting him like a freight train. He _was_ possessed, but not by any spirit.

Simon stirred beside him and Raphael, very uncharacteristically, fled from Simon into the comfort and privacy of his bathroom. Great, Raphael thought. He was hiding, in the bathroom, from the boy he has a crush on.

"Get a fucking grip, Santiago. No seas pendejo," Raphael cursed at himself. He took an unnecessary breath and opened the bathroom door.

Of course, Simon was not awake, he just changed sleeping positions. Raphael chuckled, a little relieved. But like all his other problems, he would have to confront this one too.

Raphael went about his early evening routine as usual, Simon making no other disturbed movements, and headed towards the kitchen. He poured himself a glass of blood and warmed it up in the microwave. It had a different taste after going through the microwave but it was still better than drinking it cold. He poured a second glass and warmed that up as well. He knew Simon formed a good habit of drinking a glass of blood first thing in the morning after Raphael had nagged him so many times about it. And as if summoned by the microwave beeping, Simon emerged in the doorway.

When he turned around, Raphael met Simon's eyes with his own and held his gaze steadily. He walked confidently up to Simon and handed off the glass of blood before leaving the kitchen. He turned the corner into another hallway and slumped against the wall, thumping his head against it lightly. Alright, so he liked Simon, like, romantically. That was fine. He's a grown man, a vampire, a leader. He could handle this.

* * *

Raphael could not handle this. Simon had now slept in his bed every day that week. Every day Simon came to his room a couple minutes earlier, and every day Raphael let him.

Things felt… different between them now - tense. At least, it felt that way on Raphael's end. He didn't know about Simon, but last night Raphael had to cut their training session short. Momentarily distracted by how close Simon had been when he stopped a punch from landing, Simon managed to knock Raphael's legs out from under him. In a split second, Raphael found himself pinned down to the floor with Simon above him. They held eye contact, something they'd been doing increasingly, and suddenly Raphael felt as if he could choke even though he didn't need air to breathe anymore. He made an excuse about some Vampire business and said he'd send in Lily to finish their training session.

Raphael made a quick getaway to his bedroom, pacing back and forth in his room. He'd been dead for some time now, so logically, Raphael knew his heart was incapable of beating. But there was something… that same ache from before. Like piece by piece his body became devoted to Simon, and that feeling just kept getting stronger, bigger.

Which made sleeping next to Simon almost painful. It hurt to know that he only had a part of Simon, that these moments in bed with him was all Raphael allowed himself. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea if it only made him feel bad. And then he would remember that night Simon almost let Clary release Camille.

Raphael didn't kid himself. He knew Simon would do anything for Clary, knew Simon loved her, and maybe always would. Could he allow himself to open up to someone who might still be in love with someone else? Could he allow himself to open up to someone who nearly went against him? Could he really blame Simon if he had? It's not like Simon had fond memories associated with the DuMort. Raphael could understand that. He himself had died in the hotel, and it took years for him to be able to set foot in the same room he was murdered - the same room he had killed his friends.

As he ran a hand over his face, trying to relax, Raphael decided he'd have to deal with these feelings one way or another.

The following night, he made hasty work of his duties. If Raphael finished any of his tasks early, which he usually did, he'd get a head start on something saved for another night. He didn't do that this time, though. Documents were signed, emails were sent, bills were paid, an order for a fresh supply of blood filled out, and Raphael even managed to get through Simon's training session without any slip ups. And when Raphael had finished with all of that, he retreated to one of the lounges in the hotel - an empty one - to read.

Well, he tried to read, but Raphael only made it about a paragraph in before thoughts of Simon muscled their way into his mind. He shut his book in frustration. He was going about this all wrong. What he should have been doing was trying to figure out what to do about what he'd been feeling lately. What he was actually doing was trying to distract himself. That wasn't like Raphael. So then he knew. Raphael knew what do. He'd have to let Simon know how he felt somehow.

With about an extra hour before the sun came up, Raphael settled into his bed and waited for Simon. He'd actually managed to doze off a bit but woke up a few moments before the sun rose. It wasn't long until he heard his door open and close. Simon let out a yawn and Raphael allowed himself to smile before turning over to look at him. Simon looked shocked and embarrassed. Raphael made no facial expression but pulled the covers of his bed back in a silent invitation. Simon accepted it eagerly.

"You have nightmares? Of Camille?" Raphael had figured that was why Simon came to him. The faint stain of red around Simon's eyes a telltale sign he'd been crying some days. He wanted to ask Simon about it sooner but then they'd have to acknowledge whatever it was they were doing.

"Yeah… Not anymore, though," Simon answered.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Raphael knew that if Simon really wanted to talk about something, he would have. So obviously, he knew that if Simon didn't talk about the nightmares, it's because he didn't want to. And Raphael wasn't content with a version of Simon who didn't feel comfortable and safe enough to talk about whatever he wanted.

"I didn't think anyone would care," Simon admitted.

"We're more than a clan, Simon. We are family," Raphael tried to assure him.

"Yeah, but after what Clary and I did-"

"You're still upset about that? Why would you think anyone is still mad at you for that?" Honestly, Raphael hadn't even considered the possibility of Simon still feeling guilty over that situation.

"C'mon, Rafa. You have to know that I didn't refuse to release Camille because of some bond I have with the clan. I had only been a vampire for less than a week. I've known Clary almost my whole life. In the end, I was just too scared of Camille."

"I know." Of course Raphael knew that. Simon's loyalty to Clary was unquestionable so he knew what made Simon stop Clary wasn't the thought of betraying Raphael or the clan - it was his fear of Camille. "But Camille hurt you, she killed you. It's understandable to be afraid of her, and this place. It doesn't matter why-"

"Doesn't it, though?" Simon interrupted him, his voice desperate.

"Not to me," Raphael said impulsively. "I mean, the clan, all of us." Raphael stopped himself, though, to reassess his thoughts. He wasn't supposed to avoid or deny anything, so he said, "Cariño, I don't think you have anything to apologize for, but I forgive you anyways."

"You know, I know what that means, right? Cariño?" Simon asked, surprised Raphael addressed him by an affectionate name.

"I know," Raphael didn't know, not for certain. He'd never heard Simon speak Spanish before, so he could only assume. It seemed like his forwardness paid off, though, as Simon admitted he didn't know much Spanish.

Raphael told Simon he could learn, to which Simon said, "You could teach me. And I could teach you Hebrew."

"I could teach you Punjabi," Raphael offered. He had to admit, Simon did watch quality shows every now and then.

"What? Why the hell do you know Punjabi?" Simon asked, baffled.

"It's spoken by a hundred thirty million people. I'd like to know what they're saying." He hoped Simon got the reference. And of course he did. Raphael watched as Simon's face morphed from confusion to delighted amusement.

“You watched Daredevil!” Simon exclaimed as he jovially pushed at Raphael’s shoulder. Raphael let himself fall back on the bed, Simon following his movements to hover above him. He noted offhandedly how the action made him feel safe, secure, and not crowded in on. Had it been anyone other than Simon, Raphael was sure he wouldn’t feel comfortable having them this physically close to him. “And all this time you’ve pretended to be nothing more than a grumpy old man who knows nothing about pop culture.”

"I do not pretend to not know anything. Believe it or not being head of a vampire clan doesn't leave much time to watch as many superhero shows as you do." Which was true, but Raphael had gone out of his way to take an interest in something Simon enjoyed.

"Hey, I'm Interim to the Chapter President and I still manage it," Simon defended. Raphael immediately decided he liked having a shared interest with Simon. "Bet your favorite's Matt."

"He's a very relatable character."

"All that Catholic guilt is going to kill you one day."

"But I'm already dead," Raphael quipped. This was not something he did often - or with that many people - this back and forth. This banter. He'd only ever gotten comfortable enough to joke around with Magnus and Ragnor, but even then, it was different somehow. It wasn't playful like this, with an edge of flirtation in Raphael's voice, nor with this much touching. And he really liked that part.

"Do you actually know Punjabi?" Simon asked skeptically.

"No. I can't believe you fell for that!" Raphael caved, unable to keep a straight face for long.

"Who are you and what have you done with Raphael Santiago? Seriously, since when do you make jokes?"

Their laughter quieted after a moment or two, staring deeply at each other like they had become so fond of recently. It was now or never, Raphael thought.

"Since now, I suppose," Raphael said as he carefully pushed a strand of Simon's hair off his forehead. He trailed his hand down Simon's face, his thumb rubbing smooth circles on his cheek. He gulped reflexively, uncertainty plaguing him suddenly. "Deberías besarme. Do you understand that?" He all but blurted it out. It wasn't a confession but he made his feelings clear.

"Yeah…" Simon said. He gently pressed himself down against the length of Raphael's body, not an inch of space between them. It invoked that same security Raphael felt earlier and Raphael tilted his face up, meeting Simon's lips with his own. The kiss, though soft and more exploratory than anything else, sent an electric current through Raphael, bringing to life emotions he hadn't felt in so long. They weren't emotions he missed but as soon as Simon made them resurface, he knew he didn't want to live without them. He didn't want to live without Simon.

Raphael then noticed a cool hand sliding underneath his shirt, but that only caused him to push Simon away by one of his shoulders. It wasn't forceful but it was abrupt, leaving Simon a little bewildered.

"Sorry. Is everything okay?" Simon asked. "Maybe I should've asked or-"

"No. I mean, yes. I-"

"Woah, usually I'm the one that's stuttering," Simon said lightly. "Seriously, are you okay?"

"I-" Raphael thought about telling Simon he's fine, because he was, but that wouldn't be sufficient. Not that he owed Simon an explanation, but he did want to tell him anyways. "I don't want to have sex." Raphael mentally scolded himself. He usually had more tact than this. It was more than likely Simon had something to do with that.

"Oh, okay, that wasn’t really where I was going with that but sure. No rush, or anything."

"No, Simon… I might not _ever_ want to have sex. It's not really something I have an interest in."

"So… you're asexual?" Simon asked as he got off of Raphael and kneeled beside him.

Raphael hummed his confirmation, sitting up against the headboard. "Aromatic as well-"

"But then…" Simon made a gesture between them as if to ask how they could be in bed together, kissing.

"I do get romantic feelings sometimes, Simon. But I also don't get these feelings for just anyo- any guy. The only attraction I've felt is towards other men. I'm not ashamed of anything. I just don't have these experiences often," Raphael explained. "It takes a lot for me to get there, though. And well, you are kind of a lot."

Simon laughed. "I'll take that as a compliment."

"Anyways-"

"Rafa," Simon interrupted, "why does it feel like you're about to go into all your relationship history? You don't have to explain anything."

"I know. It's just… after I pushed you away, I didn't want you to get the wrong idea. I don't want you to think I don't want you, Simon. There's nothing I want more."

"How about this," Simon began, holding up an index finger, "if there's something either of us wants to do, we ask the other person. If the answer is 'no', we won't do it. If the answer is 'yes', we do."

"You say that as if it's so simple."

"It is." Simon grinned at him. "So, puedo besarte otra vez?"

Raphael smirked back at Simon, making a note to tease him about that American accent another time. "Yes."

Simon settled himself above of Raphael again and they resumed their kissing, but this time Simon obediently kept his hands on top of Raphael's clothes. Raphael didn't mind Simon touching him, not even before. It didn't feel like Simon wanted anything from him. It just felt like Simon was appreciating the way he felt - as cheesy as that might sound. Raphael liked when Simon touched him, but he just wasn't sure if he was ready, or even wanted, to do anything more than what they were already doing.

This didn't feel like when Raphael discovered he was gay. Because in this case, Raphael lacked certain feelings. How did you explain a _lack_ of attraction? Only one guy had ever reacted negatively, but it was enough to make Raphael worry about disclosing this information to anyone he had an interest in. He didn't think Simon would be like that, but he was still surprised that it had gone so well. But then, Simon did always handle things with a smile on his face. How could Simon be so much of everything that Raphael wanted and needed? How could one person be so much of what Raphael loved? He didn't have an answer for that, but Raphael definitely wasn't complaining.

Raphael thought he was a pretty lucky guy.

* * *

This next day, Raphael was woken up by Simon tickling the back of his neck as Simon breathed him in. He didn't even know he was still ticklish there.

"We don't need to breathe, you know?" Raphael pointed out.

"But you smell so good."

Simon hugged his arms tighter around Raphael, who made a show of grumbling more than he would so Simon would release him. It was only to get himself and Simon some blood of course. There was no way he'd deny Simon the opportunity to touch him, even if he wanted to. After some more coaxing, Simon finally released Raphael.

"I'll be waiting in the kitchen," Raphael said. He kissed Simon on the forehead, the action already so familiar to him.

"Yes, dear," Simon teased.

Raphael did glare a bit at that, but he couldn't be mad when Simon was grinning so wide at him. As he went about his routine, his mind drifted to the day before. When Simon touched him, it didn't make him feel anxious. When Simon kissed him, it didn't feel forced. Raphael knew he didn't need to have the feelings he had now to make him feel whole, but if he was going to have them for someone, he was glad they were for Simon.

 

**Author's Note:**

> No seas pendejo = Don't be an asshole.  
> Cariño = darling/sweetie  
> Deberías besarme = You should kiss me. ; )  
> Puedo besarte otra vez? = Can I kiss you again?
> 
> So, that's it! I hope I wrote aroace Raphael accurately. And I hope that I conveyed that Raphael didn't "learn to love" or anything like that, because that's not what this is supposed to be about. It's about Raphael and what he does/doesn't feel, and how he feels. So, like I said, I hope I conveyed all that accurately and respectfully.
> 
> I went back and forth a little with deciding if they were gonna have sex or not. I was ambiguous about it in Welcome Home, which I wrote way before 2x10. And I wrote this before 2x10 too so I had to rewrite some parts of this a few times but ultimately I'm happy with how it all turned out.
> 
> Also, I did not plan these two fics together so if the added scene throws things off a bit I apologize!
> 
> tumblr: [demiromanticmickey](http://demiromanticmickey.tumblr.com/) (and if you ever have questions about aroace Raphael or a-spec questions in general, I'm happy to answer them.)  
> [Reblog on tumblr](http://demiromanticmickey.tumblr.com/post/160127625620/ache)


End file.
